A woman has decided to "stand by her man" despite him committing the murder of his book-keeper ex. Admittedly, at first I thought this was an article regarding a belated prequel to the film 'I Married An Axe Murderer', but, needless to say, that idea turned out to be false. According to reports, the man had been a junkie and an alkie before becoming a murderer. Talk about climbing the proverbial ladder, the next step would probably be serial killing, ala Jack the Ripper, and eventually culminating in turning Scotland into a dictatorship, recruiting citizens and encouraging them to hit up drugs until their arms resemble swiss cheese, drink until alcohol substitutes for blood, all before ordering them to invade England whilst swinging axes like they are tennis rackets and their opponent is Rafael Nadal.
An article in The Sun suggests that "experts" say 'footballers may miss penalties because they suffer from a mental illusion that makes the goal seem smaller' - quite possibly the first time someone has used the term 'mental illusion' to describe a goalkeeper (the obvious reason for the target seeming smaller). Apparently, the target will seem smaller when they have a poor game and bigger on better days (when the keeper is cought between the eyes by a sniper). 'Successful players may be able to trick their mind into thinking the target is bigger than it really is'. Using my own logic, if I thought the target was bigger than it really was I think I'd miss more often due to the fact that I'm aiming for a point on the goal that doesn't even exist. No?
A short entry which tells me it's a decent day today.
Rant on.
Friday, 16 March 2012
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
An ice cream Kony at the London Olympics 2012...
Kony 2012. A near 30-minute YouTube advertisement created by charity, Invisible Children, to raise the awareness of African war lord Joseph Kony. A sound plan? If you enjoy retro rebellion, sort of.
I may come across as a complete sociopath at times, but I actually oppose abducting children and starting your own army of death. Cops and robbers, ok. Cowboys and Indians, fine. Joseph Kony went slightly beyond a pale of rice however with his game, Innocent Families and Soldier Kids. To cut a 28-minute story short, Kony pretty much abducted Ugandan children and trained them as soldiers to systematically torture and kill their own families for his own psychotic amusement. You thought Frankie Boyle had an evil sense of humour?
The thing is, nothing has happened in Uganda involving Joseph Kony in about 6 years. I'm not suggesting he shouldn't be captured, but why not bring this shit up when it was actually going on? That's like me going to the police and telling them someone stole my bike in 2006. Ok, on a far grander scale I'll give you that, but you see my point. Also, the majority of donations sent to Invisible Children don't even go towards helping countries suffering from poverty, war, disease and the likes, it goes towards horse shit like this...
http://www.youtube.com/embed/N6QWdVD4zsc
If you ask me, that's just providing Joseph Kony with another torturous weapon. It's like 'High School Musical' if it were written and directed by Bob Geldof.
The 2012 Olympics are becoming a bit of a throbbing waste of a pain in the cunt. Billions of pounds worth of public money for the sake of an amateur sports day that lasts a fortnight, Jesus fucking wept. What bothers me the most is the organisers' obsession with the impossible dream of actually topping the opening ceremony held in Beijing, I'll tell you why that bothers me...
1. Yeah, right.
2. I don't understand why the opening ceremony gets more time and money put into it than the entire reason the Olympics even exist... the sports. Who could give a gypsey's left nipple about the opening ceremony? I couldn't, even if it didn't require surgical knowledge and extreme caution. I'd sooner book a room at Quintin Tarantino's 'Hostel' than see the Spice Girls and Girls Aloud performing the same show... or at all to be fair. The only way the opening ceremony would have anything remotely to do with the actual Olympics is if a black man came onto the stage, stuck a needle in his arm and injected liquidised money into his system before shouting "THIS WORLD IS OURS!" and sprinting back down a tunnel painted onto the wall like the Road Runner from Looney Tunes.
Rant on.
I may come across as a complete sociopath at times, but I actually oppose abducting children and starting your own army of death. Cops and robbers, ok. Cowboys and Indians, fine. Joseph Kony went slightly beyond a pale of rice however with his game, Innocent Families and Soldier Kids. To cut a 28-minute story short, Kony pretty much abducted Ugandan children and trained them as soldiers to systematically torture and kill their own families for his own psychotic amusement. You thought Frankie Boyle had an evil sense of humour?
The thing is, nothing has happened in Uganda involving Joseph Kony in about 6 years. I'm not suggesting he shouldn't be captured, but why not bring this shit up when it was actually going on? That's like me going to the police and telling them someone stole my bike in 2006. Ok, on a far grander scale I'll give you that, but you see my point. Also, the majority of donations sent to Invisible Children don't even go towards helping countries suffering from poverty, war, disease and the likes, it goes towards horse shit like this...
http://www.youtube.com/embed/N6QWdVD4zsc
If you ask me, that's just providing Joseph Kony with another torturous weapon. It's like 'High School Musical' if it were written and directed by Bob Geldof.
The 2012 Olympics are becoming a bit of a throbbing waste of a pain in the cunt. Billions of pounds worth of public money for the sake of an amateur sports day that lasts a fortnight, Jesus fucking wept. What bothers me the most is the organisers' obsession with the impossible dream of actually topping the opening ceremony held in Beijing, I'll tell you why that bothers me...
1. Yeah, right.
2. I don't understand why the opening ceremony gets more time and money put into it than the entire reason the Olympics even exist... the sports. Who could give a gypsey's left nipple about the opening ceremony? I couldn't, even if it didn't require surgical knowledge and extreme caution. I'd sooner book a room at Quintin Tarantino's 'Hostel' than see the Spice Girls and Girls Aloud performing the same show... or at all to be fair. The only way the opening ceremony would have anything remotely to do with the actual Olympics is if a black man came onto the stage, stuck a needle in his arm and injected liquidised money into his system before shouting "THIS WORLD IS OURS!" and sprinting back down a tunnel painted onto the wall like the Road Runner from Looney Tunes.
Rant on.
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
Techno-habits, and a British way to protest...
Modern technology is wearing me down, like a budgie pecking and clawing at one of those bird seed cylinders. Some things are undeniably useful [to me], such as my iPod and broadband, however, every high tech item's reputation is left in tatters when it starts performing unnecessary tasks or simply ceases to process what you asked it to. It may be a cliche, but all good things, it seems, do come with downsides. In the case of technology, all good things should come with a huge warning sticker emplying that a desire to tear your own windpipe from your neck is a likely possibility.
Take the very piece of high tech equipment I'm using to type up this blog, a Windows Computer, for example. Computers are one of the most important pieces of modern technology to be invented and I, admittedly, cannot live without one. It has multiple uses, but every now and again (more often than necessary) it will turn on its user and the system will start throwing errors and updates at you like a rioting Tottenham resident on powder, AKA a Tottenham resident.
The crime that stands out most [to me] is 'Windows Updates'. When that message appears in that small, rectangular box in the middle of your screen - 'New Windows updates are installed, your computer will restart in: <enter value> minutes' - it is the second most irritating thing you can experience, close behind a harsh ear infection. What do you mean it will restart in minutes? I never asked for these updates, I don't remember you asking me for my permission to install these updates, what the fuck are you doing to me here? It was working fine before you brought up the issue, you always try to "update" my system when I'm in the middle of something too. It becomes the PC's sole intention to cause distress and make the user's next few minutes a living e-hell.
Is this how Bill Gates thanks people like me who have put money towards his zillion dollar foretress he aimlessly farts about in? If I recieve another one of these vile excuses for a message, I will pay that four-eyed twat a little visit and shove his computer so far up his anal canal that the "Windows" on his nerdy fucking face (his spectacles) start displaying the very same message.
Protesting was, once again, the order of the day yesterday as protesters took to... a Church lawn? To this point, I still have no idea what their mission was or what they were trying to achieve, all I saw were signs saying 'Occupy Dundee' and some tents with some scruffy looking citizens hovering around like terminally ill animals trapped in some sort of enclosure.
Which brings me to my point, when did tents all of a sudden become so popular in the sport of protesting? I first noticed it at the St. Paul's Cathedral protests of not long ago, the line between protesting and camping is not as clear as I once thought. What a cold and calculated plot, camp the government into submission, the nasty rebels. I imagine if there were to be an "uprising" in the UK many people would be at home watching the events unfold before their very eyes before uttering to their partner 'good turn-out at Glastonbury, eh?'
Rant on.
Take the very piece of high tech equipment I'm using to type up this blog, a Windows Computer, for example. Computers are one of the most important pieces of modern technology to be invented and I, admittedly, cannot live without one. It has multiple uses, but every now and again (more often than necessary) it will turn on its user and the system will start throwing errors and updates at you like a rioting Tottenham resident on powder, AKA a Tottenham resident.
The crime that stands out most [to me] is 'Windows Updates'. When that message appears in that small, rectangular box in the middle of your screen - 'New Windows updates are installed, your computer will restart in: <enter value> minutes' - it is the second most irritating thing you can experience, close behind a harsh ear infection. What do you mean it will restart in minutes? I never asked for these updates, I don't remember you asking me for my permission to install these updates, what the fuck are you doing to me here? It was working fine before you brought up the issue, you always try to "update" my system when I'm in the middle of something too. It becomes the PC's sole intention to cause distress and make the user's next few minutes a living e-hell.
Is this how Bill Gates thanks people like me who have put money towards his zillion dollar foretress he aimlessly farts about in? If I recieve another one of these vile excuses for a message, I will pay that four-eyed twat a little visit and shove his computer so far up his anal canal that the "Windows" on his nerdy fucking face (his spectacles) start displaying the very same message.
Protesting was, once again, the order of the day yesterday as protesters took to... a Church lawn? To this point, I still have no idea what their mission was or what they were trying to achieve, all I saw were signs saying 'Occupy Dundee' and some tents with some scruffy looking citizens hovering around like terminally ill animals trapped in some sort of enclosure.
Which brings me to my point, when did tents all of a sudden become so popular in the sport of protesting? I first noticed it at the St. Paul's Cathedral protests of not long ago, the line between protesting and camping is not as clear as I once thought. What a cold and calculated plot, camp the government into submission, the nasty rebels. I imagine if there were to be an "uprising" in the UK many people would be at home watching the events unfold before their very eyes before uttering to their partner 'good turn-out at Glastonbury, eh?'
Rant on.
Thursday, 8 March 2012
Holidays, and Lisa's milk...
I went to Thomsons yesterday to get myself some travel insurance for a trip to Malia later this year. I'm not your typical young, clubbing adrenaline junkie, does that mean Malia is not for me? I like a drink and I like having a laugh, so I'm not exactly going to jump at a holiday to Uganda am I? I may not be down with the kids, and I may not be a perticularly "entertaining" episode of 'Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents' - in fact, if my parents were to spy on me, they'd probably be nagging me to get their money's worth, but I can have a bloody good laugh. I don't see the point in these people who spend so much money to go abroad for a fortnight and can't remember a fucking thing about it when they get back. How was your holiday? 'Amazing!' Really? Give me some exciting stories then. 'I can't remember anything'. Sounds like a brilliant waste of bloody money! I'm all for having a good time, getting pissed and all that, but it can't be fun passing out and waking up the next afternoon with a skull crushing headache wondering why there's blood seeping all over the bed from your arsehole. There's having fun, then there's assisted sexual suicide.
The insurance booklet is a fun read and highly recommended to any book lover. Here are some of the things I am covered on:
Funeral expenses abroad - £1,500 - doesn't send out a very pleasant message to travellers does it? 'Enjoy your holiday, but keep in mind you might snuff it and your corpse will need to be disposed of!'
Personal accident - £30,000 - as opposed to what? An accident is an accident.
Personal liability - £2,000,000 - two million quid for "losing" your friend who you are responsible for? Easy money, they'd be half way to the ground before they realise their parachute has been tampered with.
Hijacking - £1,500 (£100 per day) - I'd really like to know how many times companies have paid out on this one. Someone's severed hand appears at the reception from the wreckage clutching the documents between the index and middle fingers.
Avalanche or landslide cover - £100 - 'cover' may not be the best choice of word in that scenario. 'I was in an avalanche.' Were you covered? '... we probably shouldn't rule that out.'
Hole in one (golf) - £150 - who added that in, Phil Mickelson? Also, according to Axa, you're more likely to be cought in an avalanche or landslide than get a hole in one, so they give you an extra £50 for the latter... kicking me where it hurts, my golf skills.
Catastrophe - £600 - interesting that a hijacking, avalanche and landslide don't qualify as a catastrophe, you must have to be in the middle of a mass genocide or something.
Saw an advertisement on a board outside Tesco yesterday which had a photo of a woman holding, what I assume was, her new born ear buster (baby) along with the slogan 'which milk is second best after Lisa's?'. This was news to me, I didn't know that Lisa's tit juice was the nation's number one. Are there Lisas at every supermarket standing at the dairy isle with their baps out whilst happy go lucky customers help themselves to a plastic tumbler as they enter the store before using Lisa as some sort of living, breathing, milky vending machine? If it's semi-skimmed you're after, is there a Lisa with green nipples? Makes me wonder.
Nice one.
The insurance booklet is a fun read and highly recommended to any book lover. Here are some of the things I am covered on:
Funeral expenses abroad - £1,500 - doesn't send out a very pleasant message to travellers does it? 'Enjoy your holiday, but keep in mind you might snuff it and your corpse will need to be disposed of!'
Personal accident - £30,000 - as opposed to what? An accident is an accident.
Personal liability - £2,000,000 - two million quid for "losing" your friend who you are responsible for? Easy money, they'd be half way to the ground before they realise their parachute has been tampered with.
Hijacking - £1,500 (£100 per day) - I'd really like to know how many times companies have paid out on this one. Someone's severed hand appears at the reception from the wreckage clutching the documents between the index and middle fingers.
Avalanche or landslide cover - £100 - 'cover' may not be the best choice of word in that scenario. 'I was in an avalanche.' Were you covered? '... we probably shouldn't rule that out.'
Hole in one (golf) - £150 - who added that in, Phil Mickelson? Also, according to Axa, you're more likely to be cought in an avalanche or landslide than get a hole in one, so they give you an extra £50 for the latter... kicking me where it hurts, my golf skills.
Catastrophe - £600 - interesting that a hijacking, avalanche and landslide don't qualify as a catastrophe, you must have to be in the middle of a mass genocide or something.
Saw an advertisement on a board outside Tesco yesterday which had a photo of a woman holding, what I assume was, her new born ear buster (baby) along with the slogan 'which milk is second best after Lisa's?'. This was news to me, I didn't know that Lisa's tit juice was the nation's number one. Are there Lisas at every supermarket standing at the dairy isle with their baps out whilst happy go lucky customers help themselves to a plastic tumbler as they enter the store before using Lisa as some sort of living, breathing, milky vending machine? If it's semi-skimmed you're after, is there a Lisa with green nipples? Makes me wonder.
Nice one.
Monday, 5 March 2012
"I want to be a celebrity!" and FAKEbook...
Ok, after people trying to lodge a number of spanners into the works, to be honest, I'm struggling to work out whether it's the people or the spanners that are tools. Anyway, back to business... or rantness if you prefer.
As many people know, we are in the midst of a dark age. I'm not talking about the economy, as molested as it seems to be. I'm not talking about the possible outbreak of World War III, as unbelievably fun as that will be. I'm not even talking about the arrival of Toms "shoes", as rediculous an excuse for shoes they really bloody are. We are living in an age where everyone wants to be famous... for being a cunt. Yes, those final four words are vital in this rant, because of course we all want to be famous. I'd like to be a famous writer, musician, or comedian, unlikely any of those will happen - the possibility of gaining a career in one of those fields is good, but to be famous for it is a different thing altogether. Many people would like to be famous actors or actresses, but would probably settle for mild success. You see, people were usually famous for displaying a very high level of talent, but now it seems any prick can be famous so long as they are idiotic enough to make an absolute fuck of themselves on national television. 'The Only Way is Essex', 'Geordie/Jersey/Jakey Shore', and 'Big Fat Gypsy Wedding' are prime examples of a hideously moronic form of "entertainment" that has warped the minds of many youngsters. In 'TOWIE', you're talking about a bunch of inbreds who probably don't have enough words in their vocabulary to explain what made them famous. How difficult can it be? They only really need 'fuck' and 'all'. No, gone are the days where you had to be an elite athlete, a god-like genius, or simply brilliant at your art/craft in order to be famous... apparently the requirements have turned upside down and you now have to be an elite wanker, a dick-like bastard, or simply pish at everything to be considered "famous", and now all the kiddies have cought wind of that and are now proceeding to be fucking idiots. What an absolute joke this planet has turned out to be.
Humans wanting to, pretty much, BE other humans has seen a sharp increase in the past few years. It appears that more and more people, mostly female, want to walk, talk, and look like celebrities who already exist. I remember laughing when I saw so many people with red hair after Rihanna dyed her hair red, what in the fuck was that about? Your hair was fine before you went and did that, but now that Rihanna has red hair that means your hair is a piece of shit now does it? Did you think that if you dyed your hair red that it would make you look like her? If you did, you have proven to the world that you are stupid. Dye your hair all you want, but you will never ever be Rihanna. For a start she's not fat as fuck like some of you. Her skin colour is REAL, it's not squeezed onto her from some kind of toothpaste tube. You need to stop trying to be other people and be comfortable in your own skin, some people will like you and some people will hate you, that's just the way it goes I'm afraid. If you want to carry on dressing up like every fuck nugget that prances onto your TV screen then you go for it, knock your pan in, but know that you'll only be serving me and a host of others a big fat barrel of laughs.
I think Facebook should change it's name to Fakebook, if only to get across a point. You see, what a lot of users don't seem to be grasping is that everything about Facebook is fake. If you really thought that you had 500 friends, you are retarded, let me remind you of what a friend is. A friend is a person you know very well and someone you are comfortable spending time with on a regular basis with the feeling being mutual. It is someone you interact with in flesh and blood every other day and share with them real experiences and make memories you will take to your grave. Let me remind you what a friend is not. A friend is not some random fud who decided to click a make-believe button saying 'add as friend' and then "like" a couple of virtual status updates, photos and the fact that your relationship is complicated. That, believe it or not, is someone who is so discontent with their real life that they seek a better one in the fantasy world of the internet, nothing more and nothing less. You don't have 500 friends, you have 500 morons, some of which you've never met who have chosen to add you randomly, some of which you have met once or twice who just happened to remember your name for the sake of boosting their own numbers, and some of which you do know, but don't even like.
Another reason to switch to Fakebook, is that the network is just an opportunity for some people to be the dickhead they can't be in real life. People's attitudes change over the internet, some get tougher and cheekier, others get flirtier and more revealing in the shadows of the world wide web, all because they don't have it in them to be themselves in the flesh. They try to make themselves seem better than they are by making shit up to gain undeserved attention from anyone interested. Some people even started to copy my idea of 'facebook status ranting' to get attention, the funny thing is they're not very good. I predict that a lot of people's facebook passwords are "imlivingalie".
Nice one.
As many people know, we are in the midst of a dark age. I'm not talking about the economy, as molested as it seems to be. I'm not talking about the possible outbreak of World War III, as unbelievably fun as that will be. I'm not even talking about the arrival of Toms "shoes", as rediculous an excuse for shoes they really bloody are. We are living in an age where everyone wants to be famous... for being a cunt. Yes, those final four words are vital in this rant, because of course we all want to be famous. I'd like to be a famous writer, musician, or comedian, unlikely any of those will happen - the possibility of gaining a career in one of those fields is good, but to be famous for it is a different thing altogether. Many people would like to be famous actors or actresses, but would probably settle for mild success. You see, people were usually famous for displaying a very high level of talent, but now it seems any prick can be famous so long as they are idiotic enough to make an absolute fuck of themselves on national television. 'The Only Way is Essex', 'Geordie/Jersey/Jakey Shore', and 'Big Fat Gypsy Wedding' are prime examples of a hideously moronic form of "entertainment" that has warped the minds of many youngsters. In 'TOWIE', you're talking about a bunch of inbreds who probably don't have enough words in their vocabulary to explain what made them famous. How difficult can it be? They only really need 'fuck' and 'all'. No, gone are the days where you had to be an elite athlete, a god-like genius, or simply brilliant at your art/craft in order to be famous... apparently the requirements have turned upside down and you now have to be an elite wanker, a dick-like bastard, or simply pish at everything to be considered "famous", and now all the kiddies have cought wind of that and are now proceeding to be fucking idiots. What an absolute joke this planet has turned out to be.
Humans wanting to, pretty much, BE other humans has seen a sharp increase in the past few years. It appears that more and more people, mostly female, want to walk, talk, and look like celebrities who already exist. I remember laughing when I saw so many people with red hair after Rihanna dyed her hair red, what in the fuck was that about? Your hair was fine before you went and did that, but now that Rihanna has red hair that means your hair is a piece of shit now does it? Did you think that if you dyed your hair red that it would make you look like her? If you did, you have proven to the world that you are stupid. Dye your hair all you want, but you will never ever be Rihanna. For a start she's not fat as fuck like some of you. Her skin colour is REAL, it's not squeezed onto her from some kind of toothpaste tube. You need to stop trying to be other people and be comfortable in your own skin, some people will like you and some people will hate you, that's just the way it goes I'm afraid. If you want to carry on dressing up like every fuck nugget that prances onto your TV screen then you go for it, knock your pan in, but know that you'll only be serving me and a host of others a big fat barrel of laughs.
I think Facebook should change it's name to Fakebook, if only to get across a point. You see, what a lot of users don't seem to be grasping is that everything about Facebook is fake. If you really thought that you had 500 friends, you are retarded, let me remind you of what a friend is. A friend is a person you know very well and someone you are comfortable spending time with on a regular basis with the feeling being mutual. It is someone you interact with in flesh and blood every other day and share with them real experiences and make memories you will take to your grave. Let me remind you what a friend is not. A friend is not some random fud who decided to click a make-believe button saying 'add as friend' and then "like" a couple of virtual status updates, photos and the fact that your relationship is complicated. That, believe it or not, is someone who is so discontent with their real life that they seek a better one in the fantasy world of the internet, nothing more and nothing less. You don't have 500 friends, you have 500 morons, some of which you've never met who have chosen to add you randomly, some of which you have met once or twice who just happened to remember your name for the sake of boosting their own numbers, and some of which you do know, but don't even like.
Another reason to switch to Fakebook, is that the network is just an opportunity for some people to be the dickhead they can't be in real life. People's attitudes change over the internet, some get tougher and cheekier, others get flirtier and more revealing in the shadows of the world wide web, all because they don't have it in them to be themselves in the flesh. They try to make themselves seem better than they are by making shit up to gain undeserved attention from anyone interested. Some people even started to copy my idea of 'facebook status ranting' to get attention, the funny thing is they're not very good. I predict that a lot of people's facebook passwords are "imlivingalie".
Nice one.
Statement: Another explanation as to why I rant...
Jesus, I feel like I've explained this so many times and still I am forced to explain it again and again. There are people who just don't understand me and the things that I say, I honestly don't blame them some of the time, but they imply (directly or indirectly) that they are somehow better than me because of that. For the umpteenth time, it has been brought to my attention that some folk just can't stand me or my rants (or both). This is my response.
I can't remember when I started "ranting", I have a vague idea of why I started but no specific details. Basically, a number of things influenced me to pick at the bones of matters that the people in question will quite easily shrug off. There were many influences that made me want to tell people exactly what they DON'T want to hear and simply tell things as they seem. Some of these influences are very real and truthfully piss me off to my very core, others are genuine, successful people to whom I look up. The main thing that attracted me to moaning my tits off was the world around me. This isn't just me, I guarantee everyone bitches about something, big or small, in every day of their life. I was at a point in my own life where I had too much time to think, my own extreme place where things are exactly like the "welcome sign" in my first blog post. Facebook tipped me over the edge in that respect, some of the things I see people say and do on there is utterly pathetic, and so I used that to my advantage and started letting people know what I thought about it amoung the other countless anoyances I experience day after day. The first human influence was critic/writer/comedian Charlie Brooker, I love his analogies. He tought me how to be clever when describing things and tought me how to use my initiative in how I convey each and every point in order to get the best and most unique material I could muster. Welsh comedian, Rhod Gilbert, is another bloke who has contributed a thing or two. From him, I learned to choose my subjects carefully and learned how to go "too far" but still be as effective when getting my point accross. Yes, without being introduced to these people, my rants wouldn't be the same, but make no mistake, I took it and made it my own. Everything you read in these blog posts, status updates, tweets, notes, books, whatever, all of it is 100% real and from my blackened heart. Every thought, analogy and idea is my own, no question.
In regards to my "anger", I suppose I have to admit that I do get really hacked off a lot of the time about stupid and inane stuff. It isn't all a performance to try and run away with the spotlight tucked under the wing of my jacket, but there is an element of deliberate exaggeration and sarcasm involved. You hear it everywhere - "sarcasm is the lowest form of wit". Really? Knock, knock jokes must be sending people to A&E where you come from then! "Nurse! Please help me, my sides are going to need about a million stitches! Honestly, the blood started making a right mess when Ivonne A Tinkle came to the door!". That sentence and made-up quote right there is the essence of every single one of my rants. Exaggerated, sarcastic and analytical - making the minor, major. I also concede that there is an attempt to make people laugh, the only reason for that is that I enjoy making people laugh. I generally enjoy complaining and going into a rage about the little things, it's fun but it doesn't make me start to like those things any better.
Another thing is that when I criticise a person's behaviour, I mean that too. If I think that anything you've said or done is stupid, I won't hesitate to let you know because I don't believe it is done enough. I'm not saying I'm perfect and that my way is necessarily the right way, I have a voice and I'm just not afraid to use it. I can instantly tell when people are not up to the mark mentally to understand what I'm saying, that's ok, but when I get childish remarks from people it just makes me laugh. They never fail to contradict themselves unknowingly, I contradict myself sometimes but most of the time it is deliberate to give a certain effect. People moaning about you moaning, talking shit about you talking shit, it's hilarious man. That's the other thing that motivates me to keep the rants coming.
Lastly, there is a re-occurring theme amoungst folk who read, or have read, my rants, which is that because I type some of the most pissed-off paragraphs you're likely to read, it means I am like that 24/7/51/365. Hahahaha! You couldn't be more naive. If you've ever met me, you'll know I am not angry all of the time and that, although I might seem like a dick at first, I'm actually a nice bloke. Apparently, a 300-400 word rant about TV show, This Morning, makes me "hard work" and unlikely to get a girlfriend. That's my point, I might get angry about stuff more than anyone really should and state it like the sarcastic dick I can be, but that doesn't make me any less kind, generous, loving and happy towards anyone who I think deserves it. I don't understand how anyone managed to arrive at that hideous assumption.
Hope that's answered any gripes you've had about my ways, now fuck off.
I can't remember when I started "ranting", I have a vague idea of why I started but no specific details. Basically, a number of things influenced me to pick at the bones of matters that the people in question will quite easily shrug off. There were many influences that made me want to tell people exactly what they DON'T want to hear and simply tell things as they seem. Some of these influences are very real and truthfully piss me off to my very core, others are genuine, successful people to whom I look up. The main thing that attracted me to moaning my tits off was the world around me. This isn't just me, I guarantee everyone bitches about something, big or small, in every day of their life. I was at a point in my own life where I had too much time to think, my own extreme place where things are exactly like the "welcome sign" in my first blog post. Facebook tipped me over the edge in that respect, some of the things I see people say and do on there is utterly pathetic, and so I used that to my advantage and started letting people know what I thought about it amoung the other countless anoyances I experience day after day. The first human influence was critic/writer/comedian Charlie Brooker, I love his analogies. He tought me how to be clever when describing things and tought me how to use my initiative in how I convey each and every point in order to get the best and most unique material I could muster. Welsh comedian, Rhod Gilbert, is another bloke who has contributed a thing or two. From him, I learned to choose my subjects carefully and learned how to go "too far" but still be as effective when getting my point accross. Yes, without being introduced to these people, my rants wouldn't be the same, but make no mistake, I took it and made it my own. Everything you read in these blog posts, status updates, tweets, notes, books, whatever, all of it is 100% real and from my blackened heart. Every thought, analogy and idea is my own, no question.
In regards to my "anger", I suppose I have to admit that I do get really hacked off a lot of the time about stupid and inane stuff. It isn't all a performance to try and run away with the spotlight tucked under the wing of my jacket, but there is an element of deliberate exaggeration and sarcasm involved. You hear it everywhere - "sarcasm is the lowest form of wit". Really? Knock, knock jokes must be sending people to A&E where you come from then! "Nurse! Please help me, my sides are going to need about a million stitches! Honestly, the blood started making a right mess when Ivonne A Tinkle came to the door!". That sentence and made-up quote right there is the essence of every single one of my rants. Exaggerated, sarcastic and analytical - making the minor, major. I also concede that there is an attempt to make people laugh, the only reason for that is that I enjoy making people laugh. I generally enjoy complaining and going into a rage about the little things, it's fun but it doesn't make me start to like those things any better.
Another thing is that when I criticise a person's behaviour, I mean that too. If I think that anything you've said or done is stupid, I won't hesitate to let you know because I don't believe it is done enough. I'm not saying I'm perfect and that my way is necessarily the right way, I have a voice and I'm just not afraid to use it. I can instantly tell when people are not up to the mark mentally to understand what I'm saying, that's ok, but when I get childish remarks from people it just makes me laugh. They never fail to contradict themselves unknowingly, I contradict myself sometimes but most of the time it is deliberate to give a certain effect. People moaning about you moaning, talking shit about you talking shit, it's hilarious man. That's the other thing that motivates me to keep the rants coming.
Lastly, there is a re-occurring theme amoungst folk who read, or have read, my rants, which is that because I type some of the most pissed-off paragraphs you're likely to read, it means I am like that 24/7/51/365. Hahahaha! You couldn't be more naive. If you've ever met me, you'll know I am not angry all of the time and that, although I might seem like a dick at first, I'm actually a nice bloke. Apparently, a 300-400 word rant about TV show, This Morning, makes me "hard work" and unlikely to get a girlfriend. That's my point, I might get angry about stuff more than anyone really should and state it like the sarcastic dick I can be, but that doesn't make me any less kind, generous, loving and happy towards anyone who I think deserves it. I don't understand how anyone managed to arrive at that hideous assumption.
Hope that's answered any gripes you've had about my ways, now fuck off.
Sunday, 4 March 2012
What Do You Mean "We Can't Say 'Black Bags' Anymore"?
'It's political correctness gone mad!' There's a phrase that is thrown about from time to time, one that I agree with, except... I don't really.
What is political correctness? To me, it is a tool which is used to surgecally remove every ounce of humour, freedom, and, above all, humanity from our day-to-day speech. A sick and perverted tool used only by rechid, bastardly people who can't seem to allow the rest of Earth's population to have a mind of their own and use it as they see fit - the sort of people who are offended by the mere existance of oxygen. Seriously though, you can't breathe without someone going into a strop about it. Apparently, you're not supposed to use the word 'midget' because midgets find it offensive, why, what's offensive about it? It's just a bloody word. At first I thought they preferred 'dwarf', but then I thought if they didn't like 'midget' then they're not going to be too crazy about being likened to the seven deciples of Snow White, are they? People would think they only have seven names to choose from when they have babies, some of which are just names of human emotions and feelings. Either way, what's the difference? You've swapped one word for another, that's the humiliation over with now is it? Nobody's going to walk past and say to themself, or whoever they are with at the time, 'look at the size of that' are they? Much of political correctness revolves around opression, especially the racial type. I can't say I've ever wished bad things on anyone due to their race, skin colour, or religious beliefs, but I think the race card is played more often by "coloured" people than every Playstation console ever made combined. If you're living in Britain and are born from a different race, it is racist if a company denies you the opportunity to work for them based on your country of origin and/or the colour of your skin. However, it is NOT racist if they deny you employment because your skills, experience or attitude is not suitable. Whether you're Polish, Pakistani, Romanian, Indian, Chinese, Korean, Spanish, French, German, South African, Ethiopian or British born and bred - if you're not good enough, you're not bloody good enough. Get over yourself, companies aren't built to care about your family history, your circumstances or where you come from - they are built to do a job and make profits, that is it. The whole thing came to a head (at least in my mind it did) when someone informed me that I couldn't say the term 'black bag' anymore. 'What? What do you mean 'We can't say 'black bags' anymore'? It's not a fucking green bag is it!?' They said, without a hint of irony, that it was because "black people" found it offensive.
I think I have found a reasonable solution to the problem. If people are offended by the term 'black bag' then I can't help but wonder how the bags themselves feel about the situation, so, I propose a press conference to be held at all local rubbish depo's around the country to give us a right good insight into how the bags and their human colleagues feel about the alegations that the bags are black and how it is affecting the atmosphere in their everyday lives. Going by what has been said already, I imagine they would be quite upset about the situation and we may be looking at an official trial at a Sherrif Court to gain some sort of justice for the bags themselves and everyone else who has been wrongly affected by this malicious verbal atrocity. To avoid this escalating to unprecidented levels of animosity, I have more propositions planned to ensure this doesn't become problematic in future. I have visions of an advertising campeign for billboards, television, radio, newspapers and magazines encouraging people to unite and see the error of their ways using the slogan; 'Black-out!" How can we be so judgemental in assuming these bags are black when they are quite clearly a really, really, really, really dark grey colour? We should be ashamed of ourselves for not thinking about the feelings of those we are refering to and anybody else involved with them on a regular basis. The only stumbling block I have come accross, however, is arranging a suitable alternative term for the bags. The closest anyone has come to a replacement term is 'bin liner' but there are two things I don't like about that one. The first thing is that it sounds like it could be the name of a new terrorist threat from the middle-east who's strategy invloves planting C4 into/onto wheelie bins and detonating them on collection day. If anything that's going to cause more offence. It also sounds like it could be the name of a bloody ship that the lorrys dump all the rubbish, from around their allocated areas, on to be taken over to Japan where it is rounded up and used to create nuclear energy - not a great advert for democracy.
All sarcastic ideas aside, I think foreigners are slamming down the race card more quickly and more often with every passing minute of every passing day. It is pissing me off now to the point where I would be considered "racist" myself simply because I refuse to let my own race be bitch slapped by a minority of foreigners who think they can enter a country and change every street, every law, every business, and every person to whatever THEY want them to be. Well, it doesn't fucking work like that, if you want to live here then fine, but don't sit and whine about how we live our lives and the laws and standards we have set for ourselves, and don't dare try to change them.
It's one thing to seek equality, but seeking an advantage is something else entirely.
Dick heads.
What is political correctness? To me, it is a tool which is used to surgecally remove every ounce of humour, freedom, and, above all, humanity from our day-to-day speech. A sick and perverted tool used only by rechid, bastardly people who can't seem to allow the rest of Earth's population to have a mind of their own and use it as they see fit - the sort of people who are offended by the mere existance of oxygen. Seriously though, you can't breathe without someone going into a strop about it. Apparently, you're not supposed to use the word 'midget' because midgets find it offensive, why, what's offensive about it? It's just a bloody word. At first I thought they preferred 'dwarf', but then I thought if they didn't like 'midget' then they're not going to be too crazy about being likened to the seven deciples of Snow White, are they? People would think they only have seven names to choose from when they have babies, some of which are just names of human emotions and feelings. Either way, what's the difference? You've swapped one word for another, that's the humiliation over with now is it? Nobody's going to walk past and say to themself, or whoever they are with at the time, 'look at the size of that' are they? Much of political correctness revolves around opression, especially the racial type. I can't say I've ever wished bad things on anyone due to their race, skin colour, or religious beliefs, but I think the race card is played more often by "coloured" people than every Playstation console ever made combined. If you're living in Britain and are born from a different race, it is racist if a company denies you the opportunity to work for them based on your country of origin and/or the colour of your skin. However, it is NOT racist if they deny you employment because your skills, experience or attitude is not suitable. Whether you're Polish, Pakistani, Romanian, Indian, Chinese, Korean, Spanish, French, German, South African, Ethiopian or British born and bred - if you're not good enough, you're not bloody good enough. Get over yourself, companies aren't built to care about your family history, your circumstances or where you come from - they are built to do a job and make profits, that is it. The whole thing came to a head (at least in my mind it did) when someone informed me that I couldn't say the term 'black bag' anymore. 'What? What do you mean 'We can't say 'black bags' anymore'? It's not a fucking green bag is it!?' They said, without a hint of irony, that it was because "black people" found it offensive.
I think I have found a reasonable solution to the problem. If people are offended by the term 'black bag' then I can't help but wonder how the bags themselves feel about the situation, so, I propose a press conference to be held at all local rubbish depo's around the country to give us a right good insight into how the bags and their human colleagues feel about the alegations that the bags are black and how it is affecting the atmosphere in their everyday lives. Going by what has been said already, I imagine they would be quite upset about the situation and we may be looking at an official trial at a Sherrif Court to gain some sort of justice for the bags themselves and everyone else who has been wrongly affected by this malicious verbal atrocity. To avoid this escalating to unprecidented levels of animosity, I have more propositions planned to ensure this doesn't become problematic in future. I have visions of an advertising campeign for billboards, television, radio, newspapers and magazines encouraging people to unite and see the error of their ways using the slogan; 'Black-out!" How can we be so judgemental in assuming these bags are black when they are quite clearly a really, really, really, really dark grey colour? We should be ashamed of ourselves for not thinking about the feelings of those we are refering to and anybody else involved with them on a regular basis. The only stumbling block I have come accross, however, is arranging a suitable alternative term for the bags. The closest anyone has come to a replacement term is 'bin liner' but there are two things I don't like about that one. The first thing is that it sounds like it could be the name of a new terrorist threat from the middle-east who's strategy invloves planting C4 into/onto wheelie bins and detonating them on collection day. If anything that's going to cause more offence. It also sounds like it could be the name of a bloody ship that the lorrys dump all the rubbish, from around their allocated areas, on to be taken over to Japan where it is rounded up and used to create nuclear energy - not a great advert for democracy.
All sarcastic ideas aside, I think foreigners are slamming down the race card more quickly and more often with every passing minute of every passing day. It is pissing me off now to the point where I would be considered "racist" myself simply because I refuse to let my own race be bitch slapped by a minority of foreigners who think they can enter a country and change every street, every law, every business, and every person to whatever THEY want them to be. Well, it doesn't fucking work like that, if you want to live here then fine, but don't sit and whine about how we live our lives and the laws and standards we have set for ourselves, and don't dare try to change them.
It's one thing to seek equality, but seeking an advantage is something else entirely.
Dick heads.
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