Sensationalism: "Blah blah blah!", 73 Minute Makeover, the Voice (in my head)...

Nothing frustrates me more than sensationalists who can, and do, dream up entire stories from the tiniest molescule of bullshit that falls from the celebrity 'ring'. It seems to be a feminine thing to give a toss about remotely famous people's lives, at least judging from magazines such as 'Heat' and 'the Bella' as well as television programmes like 'Loose Women'. I don't care for those things (don't give me that look), but sometimes these stories happen to make their way through my mind forcing it to question its own existance.

So, why should anyone care about Denise Welsh's fling with Mother Nature or that Holly Wiloughby has stubbed her toe on a sparrow? The answer is quite simple, nobody should care. A giraffe can think of far more interesting articles in a mere 15 seconds. These people who are opening up (much of the time, in more ways than one) to the press and the media don't know enough about anything, other than getting their baps out and bitching about the Brit Awards, to be considered interesting. They complain about their dieting, hair and bowels as if it marks the outbreak of a nuclear war... and it does my tits in.

The next time Andrea McLean wants to whine about her Christmas being "hell" due to a row with her partner, send her 'round to a council estate where Christmas is about as real as Santa Clause himself. The more I see and hear about these ferile excuses for stories, the more I'd prefer to never find love and devote more time to gouging my eyes and sawing off my ears.

You know that TV show, '60 Minute Makeover'? No? I didn't think so, it's basically a show where some unsuspecting prick has their house redecorated by a team (well actually it's more like an army) of  experts in an hour as a surprise from friends and family whilst a couple of hysterical and dimwitted designers mill around asking stupid questions and generally getting in the fucking way.

Unfortunately, I managed to witness a recent episode where the team ignored the clock and ploughed on in "extra time". At the rate they seemed to be going I fully expected them to need a penalty shootout in order to finish the job, but they managed to seal the tie 13 minutes into ET. Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this not false advertising? Surely if they balls it up like that they should have to present what they have managed to accomplish within the time limit, otherwise it's just cheating and the programme should be renamed '60 Minute Plus Extra Time If Needed Makeover'.

During the episode, to my horror I heard the most ludicrous question, given the context, that I have heard in my lifetime. Having arrived home to a surprise gathering of friends, family and the 60MM team, Carol was visibly shocked and happy (and hackett). An idiot female presenter then asked 'how shocked are you?' to which 'very' was the reply. Believe it or not, that isn't the question I'm referring to as the next question was 'did you know any of this was going on?'

Now I'm no expert, but a) the programme would be completely and utterly screwed if she had a vague idea about possibly having some new cushions on the sofa as the element of surprise is the entire point, and b) the presenter had just asked her how shocked she was and the answer was 'very' and was written all over her face before she even squeezed out of the car. I suppose that's not much of a clue though...

'The Voice' recently debuted on our screens as singers took to the stage in an attempt to impress 4 judges and make their way through the rounds hoping to reach and win the final. Does that concept sound familiar? I'm going to assume that's a resounding 'yes', because it does... 'X-Factor'! Except it's different. Instead of plucking from a bunch of faceless members of the general public, 'The Voice' is more concerned with nurturing and progressing talent as opposed to finding it. As a result, the majority of the entrants are of a high standard already and in need of their big break. The other difference is that contestants are judged primarily based on their vocal skills, hence the title, and their "image" takes a back seat.

Taking those differences into consideration, it's still like any other reality talent show, ie shit. True, it is much better in terms of talent and holds no intention of humiliating anyone who enters, but generally it's the same old bullshit story where the main characters are, in fact, the judges. Which brings me to the sole reason 'The Voice' fails to beat the talent-shows-are-shit curse... the judges.

At least Tom Jones can say he has been there, done it and bought the entire range of apparel, the other 3 have barely been around for a year. I loathe Jessie J with a passion beyond Christ himself. Everything from the way she looks through the way she talks, walks and sings to what she stands for just does my head in. Watch this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60ROwaX0pcQ

To me, there are points in that performance where her voice just decays into sounding like a pig being boiled alive in a cauldron for the Wicked Witch of the West's home-made soup she's been keen to serve up for Satan himself. The hypocrisy is that while Jessie J is cheered and applauded for coming across like a transvestite wizard being molested with a sickle, the contestants are ridiculed for singing ever so slightly out of key. In my opinion, the live shows are waste of time because, as that video proves, being a successful "recording artist" doesn't require a good live performance, it requires mass production, ferocious tastemakers and a solitary number one hit song.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand, the other judges are Will.I.Am, who I believe is gunning for the lead role in the African answer to 'Robocop', and Danny O'Donoghue from soft rock/hard wank group, The Script. Both have as much of a right to judge talent as I have to blow up Glasgow. I'm sorry 'The Voice', it's a no from me.

Rant on.