Topcunt, hyperactive kids (aka kids), everyone's an online weather reporter...

Having aimlessly sauntered into what I can only describe as some sort of cartoon-celebrity-hell of tourism, otherwise known as Topman, it didn't take me long to realise that I would no longer be purchasing clothes from there. In fact, I'd sooner skin my dogs alive with a potato peeler and wear the resulting fur before sticking the rest of the carcasses in the oven for tea. I used to like Topman because it sold satisfactory clothing at a reasonable price, now the prices seem to have trebled and the stock looks more like an advert for cuntidge than I ever imagined was possible.

Really though, what is Topman's designers' obsession with putting place names on every solitary item of clothing? New York, Paris, Chicago, San Fransisco, Tokyo, Los Angeles, Ibiza, you name it, they've got it covered. What's next, Ayrshire? It's like a knitted tour around the world with Mickey Mouse's irritating face staring at you the entire time like you've got a television on your head that's stuck on the Red Hot ten minute freeview... and without the fun.

Topman and Topshop's main purpose now is to allow all the dillusioned youth of today to dress up like wannabe pop stars and pretend they live in exotic places even further from their actual reality than fucking Narnia. To be fair, I'm sure they're going through a difficult period in their life where they all think "you know what would be cool, if we all started wearing the exact same thing and looked like, the kid-vermin, One Direction!". Yes, that would be "cool", then what?

'Then what' exactly. They'd simply find something else for the wide-eyed companies to fill the shelves with. Something along the lines of three-quarter-length dungaree-chino's with a hood on the left knee and a patch on the arsehole. Generally, whatever looks the most retarded at the time. I think it's time to accept that watching the follow up to our generation makes the inevitable armaggeddon, apocalypse or whatever in Jesus' pissflap you want to call it, all the more bearable.

Speaking of youth, fast forward another generation, which in the current scheme of things wouldn't take long, to all the toddlers running around like desperate Wiley Cyotes looking for something else to throw at, speedy twat, Roadrunner. I can't stand children from the age of 3/4 onwards until they become, more or less, some form of adult. Babies are ok, it's the way people interact with them that get's on my wick - talking to them in pigeon English and equiring to whether or not they noticed the "wee doggy" on the TV, it makes me cringe just thinking about it. I'd love to find out the proper scientific answer as to why people insist on saying anything to something that doesn't even know it can see yet as if they are speaking with a bloody Cuttlefish.

Toddlers baffle me. They never ever seem to run out of energy, it doesn't matter where they're going or why, they always have to run as fast as they can getting in every other person's feet in the process. I reckon if they were sent to a gas chamber and told they would certainly perish, the first words to spew out of their mouths would be 'race ya!' One time, as I recall, a toddler was scrambling towards me, like Usain Bolt trying to catch his windswept Lottery ticket, and did so until I unintentionally kneed him in the face knocking him to the ground. The little boy cried his, probably blood-shot and deranged-looking, eyes out in the new found comfort of his lice-filled father's arms. I'm not going to lie, it's definately in my top ten best feelings ever!

British social networkers are almost in a genuine frenzy regarding the good weather we've been getting recently. Some are babbling on about it so much that I'd fully expect them to emmigrate to the sun at some point in the future... one can only hope.

As far as I'm aware, there aren't many blind people with an inability to experience the phenomenon that is temperature in the world, thus I don't see why people are consistently broadcasting online weather reports of that which is happening at that precise moment. 'It's sunny outside!' Is it? And there I was covering my eyes incase the black plague made an unwelcome return out of nowhere, turns out it's the sunshine I'm protecting them from. Thank you for that life changing intervention.

If I was making excuses for people not noticing the weather, it would be that you're a complete hermit who has a phobia of daylight. If it was for people putting reports on Facebook, it'd be that you can't really see what nonsense you're typing due to the glare bouncing off your smartphone screen into your rechid eyes.

Rant on.