Friday, 23 March 2012

The XXX-Factor, everyone's drawing...

It seems as though every celebrity has to be "exposed" these days, whether it's a sex tape, a candid photograph or a revealing tabloid headline like 'Katie's gran is an escort!'. There is a school of thought that suggests our beloved celebs are purposly releasing sex tapes and the likes in order to retain/reclaim the spotlight or for some sort of financial gain. I don't know about you, but the only reason I'd expose myself to the world is if it meant the demise of celebrity culture, Facebook adding a 'couldn't give a llama's left bollock' option on status updates, the banning of high-res animated adverts on websites that force you to wait at least a fortnight for the page to load, the hijacking of the Virgin Galactic flight and that I could have anything on this planet, for the rest of my days, free of charge.

The most notable releases include the likes of Tulisa Contostavlos and Hulk Hogan, which goes to show that we can expect to see 'Being N-Dubz: Uncut. Uncensored.' sometime soon and Hulkamania is indeed running wild on at least one person. Of course, I'm joking about the 'Being N-Dubz' show, the Tulisa tape is actually a promotional advertisement for 'The XXX-Factor' in which contestants audition and fuck the judges whilst people vote on who looked like the best shag. In the auditions, contestants sodomise inflatable dolls as they are judged and decided by an esteemed panel of the usual pricks. It is the live shows that will truly showcase their talent as they will have intercourse with the judges themselves with the first week being 'Anal Week'.

Fellow N-Dubz member - and I use the term "member" insultingly - Dappy claims that the man in the Tulisa sex tape is, in fact, his other fellow "member", Fazer. Which brings me to my next point; one thing that strikes me - fortunately for me, not literally - is the size of the man's penis in the video. If it is Fazer, then I can see where he got that nickname as I would be pretty "fazed" if I had that branch throbbing in front of my face. Tulisa doesn't seem to be bothered, however, as she gobbles it up like it's a chocolate swiss roll. Although, there is a moment at the beginning where she clearly expresses some sort of discomfort after having it slapped on her face. I'm having trouble escorting that image from the premises of my mind and can't help wondering how Tulisa is not lying on a hospital bed in a coma.

Here's a special present for anyone who is now a bit curious...



Now, admittedly I can understand if you wish not to continue reading after that image, but I'm going to go ahead with my next topic anyway.


Everyone's obsessed with this 'Draw Something' application for gadgets. To me, it's like hangman for illiterate pictionary fans created by former co-presenters of Mark Speight. Seriously, the day that I consider drawing something onto a phone so one of my equally bored friends can guess what it is using the letters provided I will cut off my own cock and literally fuck myself to death. Draw Something is an app for something you could do with a pen and paper, but people say it's good because you can play with people whilst sitting in your own homes respectively, how lazy and unsociable can one get? Some apps are good, such as Angry Birds, but I couldn't go outside and start grabbing pigeons to throw at the nearest pig sty, thus it is a good idea for an app.

One of the most irritating things is when people post screenshots of a game they are playing on their facebook. Nobody wants to stare at your utterly shit drawings on that rediculous game topped off with a caption saying 'haha try guessing this one' or words to that effect even though you know yourself that you've drew a rubbish clue deliberately to make it more difficult. Either that or you're just absolutely hideous at art.

However, I decided to try the app and I thought it'd be appropriate for you to guess my reaction...


Rant on.

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