Holidays, and Lisa's milk...

I went to Thomsons yesterday to get myself some travel insurance for a trip to Malia later this year. I'm not your typical young, clubbing adrenaline junkie, does that mean Malia is not for me? I like a drink and I like having a laugh, so I'm not exactly going to jump at a holiday to Uganda am I? I may not be down with the kids, and I may not be a perticularly "entertaining" episode of 'Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents' - in fact, if my parents were to spy on me, they'd probably be nagging me to get their money's worth, but I can have a bloody good laugh. I don't see the point in these people who spend so much money to go abroad for a fortnight and can't remember a fucking thing about it when they get back. How was your holiday? 'Amazing!' Really? Give me some exciting stories then. 'I can't remember anything'. Sounds like a brilliant waste of bloody money! I'm all for having a good time, getting pissed and all that, but it can't be fun passing out and waking up the next afternoon with a skull crushing headache wondering why there's blood seeping all over the bed from your arsehole. There's having fun, then there's assisted sexual suicide.

The insurance booklet is a fun read and highly recommended to any book lover. Here are some of the things I am covered on:

Funeral expenses abroad - £1,500 - doesn't send out a very pleasant message to travellers does it? 'Enjoy your holiday, but keep in mind you might snuff it and your corpse will need to be disposed of!'

Personal accident - £30,000 - as opposed to what? An accident is an accident.

Personal liability - £2,000,000 - two million quid for "losing" your friend who you are responsible for? Easy money, they'd be half way to the ground before they realise their parachute has been tampered with.

Hijacking - £1,500 (£100 per day) - I'd really like to know how many times companies have paid out on this one. Someone's severed hand appears at the reception from the wreckage clutching the documents between the index and middle fingers.

Avalanche or landslide cover - £100 - 'cover' may not be the best choice of word in that scenario. 'I was in an avalanche.' Were you covered? '... we probably shouldn't rule that out.'

Hole in one (golf) - £150 - who added that in, Phil Mickelson? Also, according to Axa, you're more likely to be cought in an avalanche or landslide than get a hole in one, so they give you an extra £50 for the latter... kicking me where it hurts, my golf skills.

Catastrophe - £600 - interesting that a hijacking, avalanche and landslide don't qualify as a catastrophe, you must have to be in the middle of a mass genocide or something.

Saw an advertisement on a board outside Tesco yesterday which had a photo of a woman holding, what I assume was, her new born ear buster (baby) along with the slogan 'which milk is second best after Lisa's?'. This was news to me, I didn't know that Lisa's tit juice was the nation's number one. Are there Lisas at every supermarket standing at the dairy isle with their baps out whilst happy go lucky customers help themselves to a plastic tumbler as they enter the store before using Lisa as some sort of living, breathing, milky vending machine? If it's semi-skimmed you're after, is there a Lisa with green nipples? Makes me wonder.

Nice one.